Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
