Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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