I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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