I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
