Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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