Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Watching her eat just hurts me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
