Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
