bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
