in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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