I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
