It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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