they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
