How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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