get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize