my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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