So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
