Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
