none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize