i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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