yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
