He disabled his match.com account in front of me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
