So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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