you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize