I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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