My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
