Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
