your room smells of hookers.
And success
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize