I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize