when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
