I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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