I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
