she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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