I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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