Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
