just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize