took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize