We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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