I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
FUCK WHALES
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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