Where is the hickey?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
