So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Are we still banned from the library?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
