we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
