I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
