Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
