My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
