I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
