She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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