The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
