matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize