Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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