Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
