there's paper in my vomit.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
