Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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