I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
