Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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