i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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