There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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