i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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