I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
