no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
