I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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