Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
