just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
