On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
