she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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