i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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