I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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