this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
