sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
