dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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