I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
