Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
