who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
