A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
