Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
