Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
