I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
