i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
