Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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