chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
