i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize