I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
